My Kashana ~ The 2 year Anniversary blog especially for My Kashana.

I often wonder how I became so lucky? What did I do to deserve this? How did we make it this far? So many times of heart break. It would seem as if my fairy tale would have an ending something like a dark comedy. Yet, here I am 2 years later and believe there is a happily ever after, or at least as close to happy as you can get.
I remember the night I met her. Sitting in half empty bar. Hell I wasn't even suppose to be there that night. But, out of the corner of my eyes in walked a beauty like I had never seen before.She had style in her Beatles shirt, stood with confidence and poise, and she presented herself with every bit of pride in being a lady. I remember being so nervous to talk to her that I almost didn't. I am glad I did. However, it didn't go quite the way I pictured it in my head. Of all the profound things I could have said I asked "What is your favorite Beatle song?" Without so much as a pause she looked at me and said "Oh, you cant pick just one." So, with nothing more to say and forgetting that this could be the start of a great conversation, I walked away. I kept looking at her thinking to myself how dumb I must have looked and sounded. I was not about to screw this up yet. So, I got up again for my brilliant save and asked the sweetest question I could think of. "So, Who is your favorite Beatle?" Okay, so not as sweet as it could have been. Give me a break I was nervous here. She smiled at me and very kindly said "Gotta go with Paul." I smiled back at her and said "Okay then." Then I walked away. She was probably thinking to herself who is this guy, what is damn problem, or is this guy a nut job. However, my plan was not finished in my brilliant save. I walked up to the Karaoke DJ and asked her to put me up for a Beatles song. When I was called up I grabbed the mic and walked right in front of the woman who had captivated me so much. I looked down at her, never taking my eyes off her and sang this:

(Note: This is the actual recording of me sing that very night!!)

After I sang that song I went out for a smoke and low and behold she followed. We talked and hit off instantly with our common interest in music. She seemed very interested in the fact that I wrote songs. I kept trying to play a new song that I wrote at the time called "Song Bird." We kept getting interupted but she heard most of this recording:

We exchanged numbers, and I had promised to call her. However the coming week would have me not calling at all. I probably looked as though I was blowing her off. However, at the advice of some totally wrong friends I chose to wait it out. I was so worried about coming on to strong or sounding desperate. I just felt she was worth more than that. However, she called me. I made up some crap about loosing her number. I believe she read right through the fib. The following night I would find myself back at the same bar I had met her at. As I walked in the DJ asked me over. The DJ said " This was left here for you by you know who." It was a Hershey's Chocolate Kiss. I thought it was the sweetest of things. I had never had a woman do that, ever.
I few days later we talked on the phone later and agreed to meet up at Denny's. We talked until the early hours of the morning. At the end of it all I left thinking this woman should be mine.
I eventually was invited to her house and the connection was instant. We have been together ever since. Us coming together happened very unconventional. It was very fast. I remember some people doubting it would last. People saying slow down, your going to drive her away. But, I don't think either one of us would have had it any other way.  There was a bond and likeness in our back grounds and in our lives that made the match seem like it was on this path our entire lives. W shared in the same pains, trials, and tribulations. Our back grounds were the same while being individually different. However, the happiness that came from it all is what brought us to each other. In my mind it had to be true love.
Music still played an important part in our lives as a common bond. After hearing me play we recorded us playing together. We recorded it mainly just so we could hear how well we sounded. Yet, again we found more proof in how perfect we were together. We did a cover of a little known UK band "Travis" called "Why does it always rain on me." And this was when I realized I was in love with this woman. She believed in me, she believed in us, and she was willing to share in my life like no other woman had. I know sharing in the music seems lame to think all that, but it just had a magic to it that I cant explain. Maybe you can see what I am talking about:





From then on it came to writing music. Who could have imagined that the first song that we ever wrote together would be so beautiful. A song that had special meaning to her but served as a special meaning to me as well. Due to our pasts we really related to the subject of the song.

In our relationship we have had many trials and tribulations. We fought for our love. We had been faced with nay sayers who wanted nothing more than to destroy us. I remember when Kashana told me she was pregnant for the first time. We were so happy, excited, and filled with joy. But, do to the combined stress of some of the nay sayers we were faced with the devestation that we had miscarried our baby. It was so hard and heart breaking. I remained by my kashan's side the entire time, but even I had to take a break at some point to get my own grief in. So even out of the pain and agony that we both went through. Our love still shined through in one of the most emotional recording's I ever did. I know its not my best, but it means something to me because it was a shining moment in the love that Kashana and I shared. It showed that bo matter what the love shines through. And so this song was born:

As we sett forth to move past this heart break. It is important to say that music was not the only foundation that we built with our love. We brought two amazing family's together and treated every member equal. I am talking about our children.

We treated every child as they were our own. We established a family based on the thought that this is our house. We are the Mommy and the Mommy and the Daddy of this house, and these our our children. It was never about taking away from the other parent, it was just about giving equal love. There was no calling me daddy if I was not their's biologically, the same went for Kashana and calling her Mom. It was always just about giving equal parts love and keeping with the tradition of a normal house hold with a man and woman/ Mom and dad. You know, I think it worked. No matter what we do.

Whether it be doing yard work together:

Putting makeup on to be silly:

Over coming our fears:

Learning to be a lady:

Playing together:

Growing up together:

Having some one to look up to:

Some one to explore with:

To have a cake fight with:

                                                        To Play like a kid with:

To be utterly disorganized and chaotic with:

                                       or some one to grow old with:

This is  True love!!

 We have been through hell and high water to get right here right now. I am so glad we did. Look at us now. Look at all we have done as a couple, as a family, as true love. We even have a little harmony to tie us all together.

 Look at the fun we even had with bringing her into the world:

This is our life. Everything we ever wanted and everything we ever built this is love. Happy 2 year Anniversary , Kashana!

No matter how tough it may get.

Your my kind of tough.

Here is to many more years to come.

Now if only we could find that ring!!

Crazy Kids

Unforgetable

There is a bitter sweetness to be a parent. There are the constant joys of experiencing the crazy things that kids do. The satisfaction of seeing them grow, learn, and develop independence. However there is also the exhaustion of meeting every need. Every child in this house seems to have a need every 5 minutes. Forget talking on the phone. Forget smoking an entire cigarette. Forget going to the bathroom in peace. It is endless. In this house we have a second, third, fourth, and fifth shadow. Their names are Tyra, Bethany, Chapin, and Alexis. We absolutely love meeting their needs, but sometimes as parent you need them to do for themselves. At times it gets absurd with the needs they request. Simple tasks that they are more than capable of doing themselves some how become a cry for attention. Believe me, in this house no one is at a lack of attention. I think they are so used to having our full attention 100% of the time that anything less seems like neglect to them. It has been hard a hard task trying to get a little time to ourselves. Kashana and myself both have felt a hard affect from the lack of time we have to focus on ourselves. We often wonder if we are being selfish to ask “What about me?” We spend so much focused time on the children that we wonder do they not know we need that time too? We love spending time with the children and we cherish every minute, but its is really hard sometimes. You have a Tyra reaching the age of Teen adolescence. Bethany who is at that age where she is discovering the world for what it really is instead of what she imagines it to be ( sure wish the world ws how she describes it though). You have little Alexis who her needs and wants are more hidden. She is like a lock box of secrets and hidden emotions. She lets them out one piece at a time. It is quite frustrating at times, because you want to help her, but you can only do what you know. Finally there is Chapin. The little guy is lost in an age where being a baby and being a child is a confusing time for him. Being any further than a few feet from his mother is almost as traumatic as loosing his favorite truck. All in all there are no breaks for either Kashana or I. We recognize the issue’s, but we are lost as to how to fix it. Everything we try only works us into a new problem. Then again We are parents.
In the  world of Tyra the interest in boys has caused some serious thought for me. At the tender age of 12 years old it seems that children seem to know more and more about sex. Tyra knowing that a boy that she is crushing on is going through puberty raises some concerns for me. How does she know? Did the boy tell her? If so, why would he tell her? Did he show her? Again, Why would he show her? I try to keep very open conversation with my children in regards to everything. This is one area that I do not ever want to close the door on. I made the decision to tell her that she is not allowed to have any boy friends. I told her at 13 we would talk about it. I just want to make sure she is mature, responsible, and able to stand up to peer pressure before I allow such a thing. However, I wonder if I have closed the door, or made a decision that will back fire behind my back. It is a difficult position to be in. I just want a better life for her than what I seen from so many of my friends in high school, or even her mother (who was a teen mom). I think the birth of a child is a beautiful event, but there is a time and place for it. I think a lot of teen moms would say they love their children. Although, I think a lot of them would also say they wish it had happened later down the road. Lets face it, I do not want to be a grandpa any time soon.  I would embrace it if it happened, but I wouldn’t be a good parent if I didn’t give the tools to prevent it at such an early age. I want what every parent wants for their children. I want them to receive a high school diploma, go to college, and look me in the eye one day and say “Daddy, I am better than you.” (figuratively speaking, of course). I still can not help but wonder if I did the right thing.
On another note, Tyra has adjusted to living here pretty well. We got her a new bed, that she loves. She hung up some of her favorite posters above her bed (all Justin Beiber). She and Bethany worked together and split the room that they share in half 50/50. They each have there own personal space and room for thier special nick knacks, books, and other special items. I was extremely proud of the team effort they put in to reorganizing and setting up their room. The great part is it looks great. When Bethany and Tyra came up with the layout of how they wanted the room, Kashana went to work. Pregnant and all she busted her butt. Gave the room a complete overhaul. I felt bad that she worked so hard on it, but she insisted that she could do it. She paid ofr it later, but I was still proud of her.
With Tyra now living here there has been a lot of learning experiences for all involved. For me and Kashana, we have learned of a slight jealousy problem. Not that it is a huge problem, it has gotten better. For Tyra it is a matter of never having to share her Daddy before with anyone other than her little sister. I know that has got to be hard on her. However, in this house everyone is treated equally. I have stated this before. This is a house built on love. We live on love. Never in this house is any form of hatred tolerated. We teach acceptance of all people in this house. We teach everyone to understand  the feelings and differences of the world around them.  It works too. When Tyra first moved in she was very clingy to me. At times I felt smothered with love, which i totally ate up. Then as time rolled on and I was trying to share the attention and spread the love around, it be came a problem. Tyra saying hurtful things to Bethany such as “He is my daddy not yours.” or “He will never be your Daddy.” These were comments that hurt Bethany and made her feel less important to me. I will admit I am not Bethany or Chapin’s father. I never will be, nor would I ever want to take that role away from there Father. I do however love them as if they were my own. I can be another parental figure in their life. I strive to be a good role model for them and another parent to them. After all, I come from divorced parents. Unlike some people, I feel extremely blessed to have had two step parents in my life who loved and cared for me as if I were there own. I credit both my step parents (Mike & Darcy) for how I love these children like my own. Never do i trivialize the love I have for one or the other. I just simply love. and love is always enough. It is never like a glass that is too full. It is just always enough. These are all things I explained to Tyra. With great pride, I think she gets it. Instead of trying to hurt each other with jealous words, I think they just hurt each other with love now. I mean that in the sweetest possible way. Much like a sibling rivalry.
Since I got on the subject of Step parenting, I figured I would address that a bit. As a step parent I know my place. My place is never to go above what the biological parents have agreed on. Even if I don’t agree, I just simply respect their decision. After all, those children are their creation. They should raise them together. I have a great admiration to parents who put their differences aside and leave the bull shit at the door to take pride in making decisions about raising their children together. I never really had that between my two parents. It seemed like they always just fought like a couple of kids. No disrespect to my parents at all, but sometimes I wondered if they were the children. However, I had so much respect for my two step parents, because they never stood in the way or spoke out of place (even if they disagreed). They just simply kept it between the biological parents. As a soon to be step father myself, those are the lessons I took with me. That is the place that I remind myself to be. When it comes to discussing what to do with Bethany and Chapin, you will never see me putting my two cents in or interrupting a conversation with Kashana and their Dad. I know how that would feel if it would happen to me. I would be hurt and feel like some other man is coming in to replace me, or over rule me. It just isn’t fair. We step parents have to know our place and work together, not against the biological parents. We wouldn’t want to be robbed of our experience of raising a child. Why do it to them? Being a step parent can be just as beautiful of an experience as being a biological parent. You just have to embrace it with the biological parents.
Through out this last month, Kashana and I both have been faced with so much stress and changes that we have had little time to focus on ourselves. It seems that at times we haven’t gotten a chance to enjoy or talk about our coming bundle of joy. We get to our doctors appointments or our ultra sounds and that is our real time to focus and enjoy the moment. It occurred to me the other night that we have had this ultra sound video and not shared it with any one besides our kids yet. It has just sat on top of our DVD player collecting dust. I guess I just started feeling bad about it. I Felt like there might have been a little forgetfulness about this pregnancy. So I sat down in my rocking chair and just thought about the bundle of Joy we would soon be expecting. January 14th (our new daughters arrival day) isn’t that far away. The panic started kicking in. Are we ready? No. Do we have everything we need? No. Holly hell, what are we going to do? So I did what I usually do. I picked up my guitar and started playing. I wrote little Harmony Rain her own little lullaby on the guitar. I played the lullaby several times over to perfection. Then I stood up and thought to myself, We may be far from ready, but you can check the lullaby off the list.
Parenting isn’t always easy and I don’t think it is supposed to be. You are going to get exhausted, cranky, emotional, and sometimes wonder “What about me?”. I think the key to it is just always going into it with an open heart. To always understand what you know, and learn what you don’t. Above all to not just make every moment count, but make every moment last. Make the small things big, the big things bigger, and the bigger things unforgettable.

Tyra Moves in: The Conclusion????

It was the end of the two week trial. On a weekend where I had my youngest daughter here as well. A weekend that put Kashana with a heavy load of caring for all 4 kids while I fulfilled my weekend military duty’s. It was stress full to balance the stress of everything going on, the military, and the thought that a chapter was coming to a close. It was nice to come home every night to spend time with all the kids. It was exhausting to say the least but nice to be able to spend time.
This was a weekend that tore on my heart strings in ways that made it hard to wear my military uniform and still hold back tears. A soldier is a man, and I had an image to uphold. I knew that at the end of this weekend both girls were heading back home to their mothers.
Through out the weekend I thought about the time while Tyra lived in this house. I thought of the accomplishments, the connections, the improvements, and the personal time we shared. I often smiled thinking of how we would sitt and watch Justin Beiber video’s on youtube. I would make fun of them as she would roll her eyes and make an insult towards my favorite band KISS. I thought about playing games with her, helping with her home work, and how I helped start her day and seen her through to the last yawn. I recalled the report card I got in the mail to inform me of how she was doing in school from the time she moved in to the last day of school with me. She received only one bad grade, but it was better than the “F” she had before.  All teh way down the list of the report there were improvements. The biggest one that was said by every teacher was “Attitude improvement. I was so proud. I remembered how she fell asleep on the couch one night and rather than pick her up and move her to bed, I covered her up with a blanket and left her. She just looked up at me with her sleepy eyes after I covered her up and in her tired voice said “thank you daddy.” I said “good night.” and she said her final words of the night “I love you daddy.”
As the weekend came to a close and it was time to take the girls back to their mother, Tyra had came to a final decision. The decision that she was going to have to discuss with not just me, but her mother as well. She sat very sure of herself and calmly said “I don’t want anyone being mad at me.” Kashana & I assured her that nobody will be mad at her and that we love her. She continued with “I know I am supposed to go back with my mother, but I don’t want to. I want to live here. It feels like home here. I am treated like a person. I feel like somebody instead of a nobody. I want to stay.” I told her that she needed to talk to her mother and tell her how she feels.
I made a quick phone call to my her mother to give her the heads up on what was going on. I didn’t want Tyra talking to her on the phone. I thought it was important for her to talk to Tyra in person. I was just simply taking My ex’s feelings into consideration. I didn’t want her to have a huge shock and not anything to prepare herself for the emotion. The call went okay, but she was very admant about me hurrying to get my youngest daughter back to her. No dinner before taking them home, She just simply wanted them back, Now!
So we packed up Alexis’s Bags and loaded everyone up to head over to my ex’s apartment. Kashana and I made the decision to make this between my ex, Tyra, and me. So, Kashana, Bethany, and Chapin waited in the car. It wasn’t for any other reason than respecting my Ex.
We knocked on the door to her apartment and Tyra just walked in. The same awful smell that I smelt previously billowed out of the  apartment. It made me sick to my stomach, but I managed to keep my composure. We sat down on My ex’s couch and began Tyra and her mom began to talk. I kept my mouth shut for the most part. I felt it to be important to keep it between mother and daughter. I was simply there to give my support and make sure Tyra showed her mother the respect she would want in return.
The conversation started with both Tyra & Alexis asking about their kittens. The last two kittens from a litter of six. Their mother in a cold and heartless voice very nonchalantly said “Oh they died.” At that point I neither Tyra or Alexis showed any emotion. Maybe they had just gotten used to the fact that all thier pets were dieing off, or maybe they were aware that the living condition in this apartment was bound to kill them off anyways. Either way it wasn’t right.
As we sat their Tyra told her mom That she didn’t want to upset her, but she thought she was happier with Daddy, and had decided to move in permanently with daddy. Her mother looked emotional, and for a brief moment I felt bad for her. She then began to say to Tyra “This was suppose to be a two week trial period. I would like you to come home and we will discuss this over the next week.” Tyra made me proud with her composure and strong confidence that this was the best decision for her. She replied “I have made my decison and this is what makes me happy. I am doing so much better. I am even doing better in school.” Tyra began to tell her mother her grades. Her mother responded “Tyra your math went down. Why? That is really disappointing.” Tyra just sulked her head down. In every class she brought her grade up and got imporved remarks on attitude and effort. The one class that her grade had dropped down from a “B” to a “C” her mother was disappointed in. I seen the look of pride quickly diminsh into a lack of self worth and anger. Tyra wasn’t shy to show it either. She snapped back “Thats why I don’t like it here. You are mean. You make me feel like a nobody. You don’t care about me now. You didn’t care about me when you moved to California for two years and didn’t see me. You didn’t even call. You yell at me all the time. You don’t spend any time with me because most the time your sleeping or spending time with your friends. When do I get to spend time with my friends? When do I get to spend time with you? I am sick of it. You are my mom, but you don’t treat me like your daughter.” My jaw dropped. Never had I ever seen Tyra ever speak her mind like that. I din’t know what to say or think. She said all this without a single tear in her eye. She was obviously upset but held her composure. She was determined to stand up for herslef and do what was right for her and only her.
Her mother didn’t seem to show much emotion other than anger. she looked at Tyra and said “Is it your daddy helping you? or is it Kashana? Does your Dad spend personal time with you or does he zone out out the T.V., computer, or video games?”
Tyra looked at her mom and said “My daddy and I sit together and play games on the computer, watch a movie, talk, or sometimes make dinner. Kashana and my Dad help me with my homework. You never did.” Her mother very upset snapped back “Watch how you talk to me. You are going to have to talk to your grandma about this too. Your grandma bought you your cell phone. If you move in with your dad she may want it back. We also need to discuss what things in your room your aloud to keep. Did you think about who is going to take look after your sister with you gone?”
At this point I was even upset so I chimed in.
“This is nit about you, a cell phone, belongings, or sisterhood. This is about what is best for our daughter. I don’t yell at them. I don’t raise my hand to them. I teach them through their own experience. when they do something wrong I ask them what they have done wrong. They tell me and I ask them for three ways that they could have handled the situation better. Its important that they figure it out on their own. It is a way for them to grow and mature. What does yelling solve? It only teaches them to yell back. What does hitting them solve? It only teaches them to hit back. The examples we set for our children are the examples they will follow. The minute we start treating them like children is the minute they start feeling like failures, because the only thing our children want more than anything is to be like us, and we are grown ups. Sometimes when I look at how other parents are with their kids, I have to wonder who the adult is. The child is always the first priority of a parent. It is hard exhausting work, but we can not just throw our hands up in the air put them down every time they make a mistake. We teach through encouragement, experience, and example. If we don’t they will always have insecurities and a lack of self confidence that is nobody’s fault but ours. You need to ask yourself what is best for Tyra instead of picking apart every little flaw in our daughter, or taking away belongs. You don’t need to ask who is going to look after her sister, because the answer is you. Now, If you have questions, concerns, or issues lets talk about it and I will be happy to work with you.”
My Ex Just sat in silence. Not a word. Tyra comes speaks up and says “I need go get some more of my stuff.” Her mother speaks up and says “No you can get some of your stuff later.”
At that time Kashana, Bethany, and Chapin came knocking on the door. It was late, kids needed fed and they all had school in the morning. When the door was answered Kashana very politley asks “Can we continue this tomorrow. Its late, kids need fed, and three girls have school in the morning.” There was tension in the room as my ex sat on her couch and glared at Kashana with such an evil glare that I almost felt like she wanted to get up and fight Kashana to the death. Kashana felt it to and just turned and walked back out to her car. I got up and said “We need to go.” My ex said “Fine we will walk you out.”
Tyra said bye to her sister and her mother. We loaded up in the car as My ex stood glaring, and Alexis stood waving and saying “I love you.” We pulled away and went home. Tyra was home.
We got home. We settled in and ate pizza. Then the phone rang. It was Alexis. She was crying about her mom. She wanted to talk to her sister. With me listening in for no other reason than my daughetr being upset she said Her mom went in her bedroom shut the door and is sitting against the door crying saying “Tyra hates me.” Alexis was confused, upset and scared. Tyra asked to talk to her mom. Her mom got on the phone and Tyra told her very calmly and lovingly “Mom, I don’t hate you. Why can’t you just be happy that I am happy?”
My ex responded back to Tyra ” I am fine, I will be fine.” Then she hung up on her. No I love you. No good night. Just a crazy woman locking herself in a room, sitting against the door, rocking back and forth repeating herself with the words “Tyra hates me.”
I was upset and scared for Alexis, so I called my ex back. I asked her what the problem was and she said “I am fine. I am upset and crying. Is that what you want to hear?” I responded with “I don’t want to hear anything. I just want to know that my daughter is being taken care of. I want to know that her mother isn’t leaving her alone while you lock yourself in a room and have a crazy moment. You want to be upset, fine. But, you need to hold it together for your children because it is emotionally confusing and hurtful to them.” She said “Fine.” and hung up.
When I got off the phone Tyra was upset so I did what a Dad should do. I sat her down, put my arms around her, and said “I am sorry, sweetie. It will get better. Your mom just cares about you and is having a hard time with this. Just know we love you”
That’s when Tyra spoke up again. Showing as much composure and confidence that she displayed at her mothers. She said.
“I don’t know why she is upset. She doesn’t really care. She just say’s she does. She left me for two years and didn’t want anything to do with me or my sister. She let us see her do drugs. I seen her cheat on you while you watched and didn’t do anything. I remember everything. She makes me feel like a nobody.”
I looked at her  and said ” I am sorry. When your Mom cheated on me I didn’t do anything because I loved her and wanted her to love back. I wanted to hold on hoping we could be a family. After the drugs I just couldn’t do it anymore. I tried, but I need to do what was best for me and you girls, the same way you are trying to do what is best for you.” I then asked her “Have you tried talking to your mom about these things that you remember?”
Tyra looked at me and said “Yes, But I am not allowed to bring it up. If I do I get in trouble.”
I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how bad your past is. Everyone has to face their demons sooner or later, Especially when it affects your child like it has Tyra. Tyra needs to talk about it. I can try to talk to her as much as I can, but the person she needs to hear it from and hear an appology from is not me. It is her mother.
So, Now Tyra is with me full time. It is her decision and I will do everything I can to make sure that her decision is respected. If her mother doesn’t want to give her belongings to her, fine. If she looses her cell phone, fine. I will replace it and make sure it is hers to decide where it goes and when it goes.
This story is far from over and I know there will be many more obstacles to over come. I am sure there will be more decisions. I don’t want a fight, but I am almost certain it will get worse before it gets better. But, for now I am holding strong with my head up and embracing the Joy that my daughter along with all my kids bring me every day. Mostly I am going to celebrate the love of a family everyday, and I am going to cherish each moment. As for whats to become of Alexis…………..Stay tuned.

Tyra Moves in: Day 5/6/7

This last week has been rewarding, exhausting, and at times frustrating. I cherish these days with great pride. However, I would lie if I say they havn’t gotten under my skin a time or two. Maybe at times it is the realization of all the things I missed out on by having to share visitations. I am not a morning person at all, but seeing my daughter off to school in the morning is one of those things. Good night hugs and kisses that I ussually only get on my weekends. The how was your day I get after school. The sit down and help with home work on a daily basis. The “Hey daddy I am bored, pay attention to me.” The sit down and tell stories about the past. The learning together and from each other. The trying to give her a hug and kiss before sending her off to her fist class at school, to be shown that it is embarassing at 12 years old in front of her classmates.  Even the boy talks that makes daddy uneasy are all things I ussually either miss out on or have to try to squeeze in to a weekend. I miss out alot. I sometimes beat myself up over why does it have to be this way? Doesn’t it make sense that just because to people choose not to love each other that the parental  factor remain the same? I guess it is what it is and sometimes you have to make do with unconventional.
I have seen Tyra become a lady that in my oppinion is pretty cool and hip. Like all all our kids I hope she/they remain true to who they are. They are each a unique human being with unique ideals as to how the world should be. As parents we can guide them to make this world into the world that their young minds envision. It really is quite beautiful, the things they come up with.
With that being said, I have learned a few things about Tyra over the course of this last week. Her initial stay with me wasn’t so much about her deciding to move in with dad. It was more about a daughter who I was very worried about. As a weekend parent I can not always be there to see what is going on. I can’t always be there to know the truth. When I hear about her trying to hurt herself, yelling at her mom, or running away I have no choice but to find out for myself what is really going on. That brings us to why she is staying with me for a trial period. I will admit that her mother has not always been a great person. I feel at times that her Mom does actually try, but I dont think she puts in the effort to understand and be sensitive to our childrens feelings, needs, and changes. My conclusion so far has been that Tyra is a young lady going through some dramtic life changes. It is not easy to make the transition from child to teenager. There are things you want to do that you are not old enough to do. There are new rules that you were never faced with before. There are new responsibilities, expectations, and choices that your little mind just doesnt quite understand. You add that to the fact that your body is going through changes that sometimes seem scary and you have a train wreck. I think I have done a good job of understanding these needs (with the help of Kashana) and dealing with them sensitively. I refuse to raise my voice with my children. I may speak sternly, but I never raise my voice. I never spank them or lay a finger on them. Instead I take a human approach. I talk to them. Not like they are a child but like they are a person. I try to carry a converstation with them to explain the repercussions of their actions. The best part is I don’t even have to explain it to them. Once I get them calmed down enough to talk, they explain it to me. It is my way of teaching through action and experience. The only way to learn is to live it. If you live it, you learn it. That is my philosophy and my approach. I think all these kids understand that I am not just a Father or Father figure. I can also be their friend when needed. I think it is extremly important to be both. The minute you are just a parent, you kind of fail.
I had said in my previous blogs that so far Tyra’s stay with me has gone with out incident. Well, that was true until this last weekend. We had a great Halloween weekend. Alexis had come over and all the kids were so excited to see her. Little Bethany even told me that now it won’t feel like anyone is missing. Chapin went from the monster he usually is to the monster he is towrads Alexis. Tyra seemed to be the one who was the most excited. For good reason. That is her little sister. the one she has known since her first breath. The one she has lived with, grown with, and has always been there for. It is funny how as siblings we often fight like cats and dogs. We sometimes wish they would just go away. When they do go away we miss them, we love them, and we just wish they were here. I got to see that in Tyra and see the true love between her and Alexis. It ws heart warming and heart breaking all at the same time, but just reconfirmed that Love really does conquer all.
We had a wonderful Halloween. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked out pumpkins. Kashana and I thought it would be a wonderful day. It was, but we both were faced with kids who at that point probably had so much excitement built up that they just couldn’t follow directions or mind. This wasn’t too much of a problem. I think alot of kids would be the same way. I think Kashana and I were just exhausted with all the other stress. The other big realization that I was faced with (and I think Kashana noticed it to) was a heart breaking seperation. Since Kashana and I have been together we have stressed the importance of all of us being a family, sticking together as a family, and never leaving anyone out. Before we entered the Pumpkin patch We split up into teams. Kashana and myself feel it is sometimes important to take one of my kids and one her kids to each of us. This was what we did. I took Alexis and Chapin While Kashana took Tyra and Bethany. This seemed like a great plan. However, once we got into the Pumpkin patch it got messed up. I was out in the pumpkin patch after finding my pumpkin trying to help Alexis find her pumpkin. I look back in the far distance of the patch and my heart sank. Tyra and Alexis were both with me and Bethany  and Chapin were back with Kashana. This may not sound like a big deal, but it was to me. To me, it flet like a seperated family. My kids and her kids seperate. That is not how we want it to work. As heart broken as I may have been, I just had to remind myself that sometimes kids just want their Daddy or their Mommy. In the end, I just had to accept the fact that maybe next time we can do it right. Then again, maybe part of it was out of our hands. Maybe Tyra & Alexis needed thier Daddy. It sure the hell didn’t help that their Mother text Tyra’s cell phone while we were at the pumpkin patch. Also knowing we were at the pumpkin patch just to tell the girls that their kitten had died. Some things can wait. This was one of those things. Who the hell does that when they know damn good and well they are having a family outing?  Even more, who tells anyone that anything or anyone died via Text?
We got home with our prize pumpkins and because we were so exhausted we just rested. The next day we carved the pumpkins. My  only rule to the pumpkins was that they either got on the computer and found a design they wanted or they drew out there own. Tyra and Bethany drew there own design. Bethany’s design being a traditional pumpkin with hearts for eyes, a nose, and teeth. Tyra went with Ace Freheley of KISS makeup on her pumpkin. Alexis was the lone one out. She tortured me with a choice of me doing a portrait picture of Gene Simmons of KISS that she found online on her pumpkin. All together it took me a solid 8 hours to do all the pumpkins. I was tired, my hands hurt, and I still hadn’t done my 5 hour John Lennon pumpkin, but it was well worth it to see their smiling faces. Did I mention I had to clean up too??
The day Before Hallloween was probably my biggest mistake. As parents, we sometimes let our own pride get in the way of things and say and act in hurtful ways. Our local downtown was doing their Halloween parade and trick or treat the day before Halloween. I thought it would be fun to get the family together and go have fun. Little Bethany had just gotten home from her Father’s house. For one reason or another, she was having an emotional time and did not want to go. I let my pride get in the way and blew up at Kashana in such a way that the kids all knew that I was upset. I just wanted to do something with the family after the pumpkin patch went awry. I wanted the family to be together and share in a good time. It was a self pride thing that I acted out on immaturely and carelessly. I didn’t take little Bethany’s feelings into consideration. We still went just me, Tyra, and Alexis while Kashana and Bethany sat in the car. When we got home it was discussed between Kashana and I, and I then sat Bethany down and talked to her. As a parental figure sometimes you are faced with the realization that you have to admit to your children that you are wrong. I told her I was wrong and appologized. I explained to her why I got upset and she taught me something. She looked up at me with her innocent face and said “Mr. Goody goody, we are a family, but it wouldn’t have been a family with out Chapin.” She was right. Chapin was still at his Dad’s. Shitty me.
Halloween went well. A little disorganized with our time, but I don’t think that was our fault. A few issues with emotions and other things caused a bit of a set back in our time. Both Tyra and Alexis were upset about their kitten passing away and had found out Halloween morning (via text again) that another one of their kittens had died. Talk about a Mother with no sensitivity. Between Kashana and myself we were able to talk to both girls and get their minds in a happy place to do Halloween and be excited about it, but it still sucked. It felt like their Mother was on a mission to make sure she ruined Halloween for her kids. After all that, Trick or treating went well. We went trick or treating in the Hucrest area here in Roseburg, because it is a trusted nieghborhood, and attracts alot of other people. Tyra was Chapin’s little helper when he wasn’t running as fast as he could to the candy. He was a crazy boy who was literally pushing everyone out of his way for candy. We all got a tickle or two out of him. It was nice to share the laughter as a family.
My fathers house was the next stop. Anyone who knows my father knows he goes all out for Halloween. His entire house and property is a huge Halloween amusement park. He has monsters popping out of his pond, grave yards and zombies poping up out of the ground, witches flying in the trees… Everywhere you look there is always something new to see. It was fun. The kids all ate cup cakes with eye balls, roasted pumpkin seeds, popcorn balls, caramel apples, and got their trick or treat bags filled with lots and lots of candy (Thanks Dad and Vikki). The kids sat and had motionless horse races on my dads saddle seats (basically bar seats with saddles attached). My Brother was a real gas with his consistant entertainment with the kids. He even participated in the motionless horse race. It was fantastic, and it wiped all the trouble of the last couple days right from everyone’s minds (again thanks Dad & Vikki).
At the end of all that, it was off to the haunted houses on Douglas street. All the kids were nervous about it and had a death grip on either me or Kashana. Except one child. Yes, The Chapin. That little boy is all about the monsters. To him it was like Disneyland and Mikey Mouse. To everyone else it was “What is wrong with you child?”
After all that, it was time to call it a night. As much as we all didn’t want to, it was time to take Alexis back home to her Mom.  We were all tired, bedtime was calling and it was gonna be an early morning for school.  Little did we know, our night was far from over…
We get out of the car, walk into the apartment complex and knock on the door.  When their Mother opened the door, the most foul stench came billowing into our faces.  It was all we could do to control our gag reflexes.  The stench of cat shit and piss filled our lungs to a point where we felt like we were gonna pass out!  I had never been more disgusted in my life.  To think that my daughters live in this kind of environment made me sick to my stomach.  Tyra had already been complaining about migraine headaches.  Alexis’s teacher had sent her home with vitamins because she was breathing heavy in class at school.  Alexis also has come to our house with bug bites and itchy skin… flea bites…  Now I had finally put two and two together.  All of those problems were directly related to the unhealthy environment of this apartment.  It made me feel like, as a Father, I was failing them by allowing them to stay there.  There was nothing I could do to solve the problem tonight.  So, with a heavy heart, we went into the apartment, struggling for air, to drop Alexis off.  The first thing Tyra did was make a beeline for the kittens.  She was concerned about them and worried that more would die.  When she saw them, covered in fleas (that her Mother had told her killed the first two kittens) she became very emotional.  She went to her Mom and told her that the kittens still had fleas and that her Mom needed to get rid of the fleas so more wouldn’t die.  Her Mom told her that she had already given them flea baths.  Tyra wasn’t buying it and persisted to tell her Mom that the fleas weren’t gone.  It was all too much for Tyra to handle and things got worse very quickly.
As we tried to get ready to go, Tyra broke down.  She got very emotional and lost sight of any good judgement or control.  She grabbed her Sister’s special Mickey Mouse figurine.  When Alexis asked her not to touch it, Tyra threw it down.  Kashana told her that it was not okay to treat her Sister’s things with disrespect and to apologize to her.  Tyra ran to her room and slammed the door.  We were all speachless for a second, and then Kashana went to get Tyra.  When she opened the door, she saw Tyra sitting on her bed and explained to her once again that she needed to apologize to her Sister and pick up the Mickey Mouse figure nicely and put it back.  Tyra pushed past her and went back into the family room to where we were.  Still emotional and very angry, she flipped out and said that no one could make her leave.  Then she went on to say a lot of incoherant hateful things toward Kashana and ended with telling Kashana that she hated her.  Kashana told Tyra that no one was trying to make her do anything she didn’t want to do and that she understood she was having a hard time right now, but that taking her feelings out on her Sister wasn’t the right way to handle it.  Kashana, calm but hurt, made the right decision to take herself, Bethany and Chapin out to the car.
I stayed behind to calm Tyra down and discuss the situation.  Tyra, who was clearly upset about the kittens, asked her Mother where she had buried the dead kittens.  In the most insensitive tone, their Mom told them that they were buried in the dumpster.  This only upset Tyra more.  Tyra went back over to the kittens and found one more dead.  By this time, all I could think is, “If this enviroment is killing off the kittens, what’s stopping it from killing off my daughters?” 
After a lot of explaining, understanding and calming I was able to speak with Tyra, who now had a clearer head.  I explained to her that I knew what she was going through and that there are a lot of changes going on in her life.  I told her that life is not always easy and sometimes we say and do things that we don’t mean, but we always have to try and keep it together to prevent hurting others.  She was very adament about not coming back home with me.  I explained to her what our agreement was and that she needed to stick it out.  I also explained to both Tyra and Alexis that my door is always open to both of them.  I want what is best for them.  And anytime they are not happy where they are at, they can always come to me.  I told them that I know that they can sometimes get frustrated with their Mom or even me.  Sometimes, you need a break.  Sometimes you need your Mom.  Sometimes you need your Dad.  I also explained that Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, nor will we ever be.  I told them that, just like your Mom, I can’t see everything and know everything that goes on at the other parents house.  This is why whoever your Mom or Dad does have in their life will be held to a standard to take care of what we sometimes cannot.  I then looked at Tyra and told her that how she treated Kashana was unacceptable.  I told her that I knew she didn’t mean it and that I knew that she loved Kashana.  I told her that she owed Kashana an apology.  I then continued to tell Tyra that I couldn’t make her go with me, but I did expect her to make the right decision.    The right decision being what her heart told her to do.
On her own, she chose to go back home with me. 
We then went back out to the car with her Mother and Alexis following.  Tyra went to the car and first apologized to Kashana.  We said our good-byes and went home. 
After such an emotional night, Kashana and I made the call to let the Tyra and Bethany sleep in on a school morning.  Plenty of sleep, a good breakfast and a whole lot less emotional led to a much, much better day at school and at home. 
Now I am faced with many uncertainties.  I’m not sure if Tyra will be here at the end of the week.  I’m not sure what to do about a living environment that is clearly unsafe.  A part of me thinks I should do something.  Call CPS?  Give their Mother a warning?  Or just let it be?  But what kind of Father would I be if I didn’t do something? 
We have a happy family in our house.  Bethany, the imaginative little girl.  Chapin, the daring monster.  Little Harmony on the way…  And two parents who don’t make a decision without being on the same page.  We have a house built on love.  Love is like our Holy Bible.  I don’t think the addition of two more would make that any less.  I know it would make it a whole lot more. 

A picture from the pumpkin patch.

Tyra Moves in: Day 3/4

This is Tyra and I siting on the couch as I play guitar when she was 3. These are the proud times: 

 

 

 

 

Well, What can I say. It has been exhausting. Not in a really bad way. I think it is just a matter of adjusting to a new schedule. I guess you can say I was a bit disorganized with my time. I still am, but it is starting to come together, Slowly. Sleep deprivation played a big key in why I did not write yesterday. Funny thing is I went to bed earlier last night because I was so tired, but I tossed and turned most of the night. Maybe it is just the routine and the constant thought of planning out the next day, maybe the stress, maybe both. Either way this whole trial period with Tyra has been rewarding with its elements of stress to go along with it.
I don’t have to many complaints about the arrangements and all seems to be going well. There hasn’t been any real issues with Tyra at all. She misses her sister as we all do. The void of not having Alexis with us as well has been felt through out the house. Dinner time isn’t the same with out her and I bumping elbo’s (we sit next to each other and because I am a lefty and she is right handed), her chatty voice, and her off the wall jokes. It is just a piece of a missing puzzle. I think we all do a great job of being sensitive to that void.
Tyra has been adjusting quite well. She is often emotional about little things, that she would get punished for by her mother. She brought her home work home yesterday froma  social studies class. She got a pretty low grade on an assignment and we discussed it. She broke out in tears and told me “I am so sorry daddy, I don’t mean to be a disappointment.” I stopped her and asked “Why would you think you are a disappointment to me?” and she said “Because my mom thinks I am.” I sighed and gave her a big hug and said “Hun, its just one paper. Yes you could have done better, but I am going to make sure you learn this, regardless as to wetather you can return it in or not. I don’t think your a disappointment. I think your just a smart girl with alot of learning to do.” The tears slowly went away and she seemed fine after that. We discussed a few of the problems that she missed on the paper and moved on to what was due the next day.
Although the day to day life with Tyra has really been quite nice. The real stress has came from beyond Tyra. Kashana and I went into Tyra’s school to change some contact information on her registration forms. Stuff like that needs to get done. It was no less than heart breaking and frustrating to see that I was listed as a separated father. My name was listed as the father. No address, no Phone number, not even listed as an emergency contact. I was just simply voided from being a part of her life. I was furious. I spent most of the day upset about this. I would get to upset and just go outside and remember to breathe. It probably played a big part in my lack of sleep. Anyone that knows me knows I am probably more involved with my kids than a lot of fathers. To be listed on school records like that was so hurtful and embarrassing. I couldn’t help but to think to myself “How were the teachers and staff at the school looking at me during open house or any time I show up at the school?” It just sucked.
On a more positive note. It has been quite touching to hear Tyra refer to Kashana as her step-mom. I personally have always hated the term “step”. I always refered to my step parents as my other parents, but I get what she means. I know Kashana and I are not married, but we might as well be. Hell, we live our lives like an old married couple. We bicker at each other, we will call each other silly names when one of us is being impossible or ridiculous, and yet we still love each other like teenagers in high school. The only reason why I bring this up is because I think it has played a very positive role in Tyra’s current life. She was old enough to see and remember all that went down between her mother and I. It really caused some issues in her mind. I worried for a long time that she would grow up to harbor some anger towards me and her mom. Having Kashana in my life and the changes that even my life has made because of her. I think it has taught Tyra that two people can be in love, and be nice at the same time. I think it has taught her what a real family is, and I think she understands that not all family’s are dysfunctional. Hmm, I think I just gave a double compliment.
Kashana and I had a blast taking her to the Halloween store to get her costume. It was also funny how much she has matured as a young lady. I remeber only a few years ago, how I took in there and when we got to the back of the store to the scary stuff, she screamed and ran for her life out to my car. This time she was different. She faced her fears and even started laughing about some of it. I did however get my kicks. I grabbed a fake spider for old time sakes and creeped up behind her. She let out a pretty good scream as I got a pretty good laugh. What are dads for??
We did get her costume, but we ended up having to take it back this evening due to it not fitting right and the fact she decided to go with something else. When we took her tonight she picked this costume that resembles a wicked Snow white its called “The poison apple princess.” She was quite happy with her costume and she smiled when she tried it on. However, through the smile came a little pain. She had told Kashana that her mother would never let her get a costume like that. In her own words she said ” My mom would think this was a stripper outfit.” Nothing like insinuating that your daughter looks like a whore. The costume looked nothing like a stripper outfit, but maybe that is her mothers own past being placed on a young heart. Her mothers should face her own insecurities, instead of placing them on her daughter. Then again, maybe her mother never changed. In other words if the shoe fits…
All in all this week has been pretty rewarding. While originally her stay here was to help her with her anger issues, learn more about her problems, and try to understand and help her cope. I really think this whole experience has taught me more about me. I have often looked back on my own past as a father with some regrets. I have looked back and remembered the proud moments too. Through all this I have found myself embracing my past more and more. I think as parents we are sometimes too hard on ourselves for the mistakes we make. After all we are parents and none of us have a clue what we are doing. We learn as we go. No child is the same as the next, which is what makes being a parent so exciting. It is a constant challenge to embrace each individual with their own unique needs. As parents the only way we ever fail is if we don’t even try.
Through Tyra, I have learned a lot about the father I was and the father I wanted to be. I had brief periods of magical times with both of my daughters. The time I would sit on the couch and play my guitar as Tyra or Alexis would sit rocking out with me or singing along with a smile on their face. The countless games of twister that I would always loose to Alexis. When I came home from boot camp and played them a song I wrote on my guitar for them called Pinwheels in the rain (inspired by them dancing in the rain spinning around with their arms wide out and telling me that they were making pinwheels in the rain). Those are all moments that I hold closest to my heart. Those are the moments that remind me of the father I want to be. I can honestly tell you that through all the mistakes I have made I am that father today, and I am damn proud of it. I guess you can say that the minute you start teaching your children you find that they end up teaching you so much more.
This proud daddy isn’t taking anything for granted. Until the next tomorrow or when ever the next blog is. I will leave all you parents with one request. Go give your child a hug Regardless of age, Give them a Kiss regardless of age, tell them you love them and that you are proud of them. Hold them close and remind yourself that it is the greatest feeling in the world to be a parent.
This daddy is going to bed.

Tyra Moves in: Day 2

It is funny the trivial little things that I have missed so much, and got so excited about. The last time I got to see my daughter off to school was when she was in head start (preschool). I have never seen my youngest off to school. It may seem so small in retrospect but it meant so much to me. To see her puffy eyes in the morning. See the stress of making sure she looks good, hearing the slight moan when I ask her to brush her teeth, brush her hair, what do you want for breakfast, and to make sure she has everything. It made me proud and tickled inside. She got up, got dressed, ate breakfast, brushed her teeth, brushed her hair, got her bag together, and got to school on time with no problems. To top it off she didn’t leave the house with out saying goodbye with a “I love you, Daddy” and a kiss. Still a daddy’s girl.
Coming home from school it was the same thing. Kashana picked her up from school, as Chapin napped and I stood listen. But, I sat here at this very computer, and as soon as Tyra got out of school I started receiving SMS Text messages on my Yahoo messenger from her phone. She text me to say that her day at school was “Awesome” and gave me a bad time by putting little puns toward calling me daddy. She called me dud, dude, and my favorite dadley. She text me the whole way home. As soon as she got home I was greeted with a big hug and a ” I love you, dadley”.
Tyra and Bethany watched a movie together. Tyra really wanted to watch this other movie called “Princess Diaries 2”. Bethany wanted to watch “Barbie Fairy Topia Mermadia”. Tyra being the good sport she is caved in and decided to watch the barbie movie with bethany. They sat on the couch eating Popcorn, cuddling, and watching a movie together. They didnt get a chance to finish it untill right before bed time. Bethany and Chapin had to go to their dads. Tyra wouldn’t finish it with out Bethany.
Later on, after Bethany and Chapin were picked up by there father for there evening dinner, Kashana and I had Tyra sit down and do her home work. She did it willingly, but like any kid would do she groaned when we had her correct a mistake. She got it done and it looked really good. I told her I was proud of her.
Another touching moment for me came shortly after she finished her home work. I sat at the computer doing my usual tech work, while she and Kashana had some one on one time. It touches me so much to see the bond that them two have established. They sat out out on the front porch texting back and forth, which is funny considering they were sitting right across from each other laughing. They sent ring tones back and forth and funny text messages. It was awesome to hear Tyra laugh like that and have such a good time. I know Kashana will never be her Biological Mom, and I have never and will never insinuate a replacement to any of my Kids. However, Whatever Kashana may be to Tyra is pretty darn special and magical in a way that tugs on your heart strings. I am so proud of Kashana for the way she has embraced my children and treats them no less than her own. It may seem so effortless, but it truly is a gift that many people do not have. Just one of the many reasons why I love this woman so much.
After Kashana & Tyar had theri little one on one time, Tyra and myself had our little tie sitting on the couch playing our magical little Blue 20Q game. A little ball that guess what your thinking in 20 questions or 25 depending on if it got it wrong after 20. We laughed as we just started thinking of nothing at all and hitting yes and no at random to see what it would guess. One time it guess “Manure” and Tyar and I both just laughed. It was fun.
Later we went out to eat. We went to one of my favorite places “Taco Del Mar”. Tyra had never been there. She was so polite. She ordered her food with “Please” and “Thank you”. She surprised me with her order. She ordered the Mondo Burrito, which is huge. She finsiihed all but maybe 2 bites. She was also a great conversationalist. She sat and talked about past Halloween memories. We even told the story of a Halloween when a statue came to life to try to scare us at a haunted house. It scared the living hell out of Tyra and myself, but her little sister Alexis, just turned around unfazed and shouted a profanity that starts with the letter “F” at this monster. Tyra remembered how I tried to punish her with a straight face. Funny times. Toward the end of dinner Tyar did make a few comments about “How I was HER Daddy.” and also how her Grandparents were “HER Grandparents.” I was a little thrown off at first, but after talks, a little deeper understanding, and Kashana’s help I came to the realization that being the oldest and seeing all these new children come into the lives of those she loves most, maybe she has felt like their isn’t enough love to go around. This I know I can fix.
After we got home from dinner my Brother Mikey stopped by with his girl friend Alanna. Tyra was on good behavior. She engaged in the conversation right with the adults. I did not discourage her from this. She is getting older and I think sometimes she needs some conversation to stimulate her mind beyond what she gets from her younger surroundings. I thought she did just fine. She even sat one on one and talked to Mikeys girl friend Alanna. Alanna just talked back as if she were talking to anyonelse. I was really proud of Tyra.
When Bethany & Chapin got home it was parenting as usual. Bethany had home work to do so Tyar went in the kitchen with er and helped her do most of it. After words Tyra and Bethany cuddled back up and finished their movie. All the while the monster of the house “The Chapin”, terrorized them and the house. Always fun times at the Kashana and Bryan House hold.
Bed time came and I was almost sorry the day was over. It seemed to go so well and so fast. I don’t want them to go by fast. I want to cherish each moment for as long as I have them. But I guess all good things come to a close.
I did my usual thing. I tucked Tyra in and talked to her while Kashana changed Chapin and put shea butter on bethany’s skin. Asked Tyra how her day went. She said “It was awesome.” I asked what she had going on at school tomorrow. She just looked at me and sighed “Oh you know, Classes, and then I have to get two friends to make up.” I just smiled remembering back on my younger days and said “Oh I know, I hope your friends can work it out.” I asked how she liked it here and she said “Well, I think I like it better than my Mom’s.” I asked her why that was and her face got a slight sad look as she looked at me and said “I remember when you and Mom were together and we were all a family. It feels like that here.” With tears swelling up in my eyes, I choked back the tears, smiled, and said “We will always be a family.” We then got up and went into Chapin’s room where I do a nightly Puppet show complete with song and dance. The kids love to watch practically the same show every night. We got Chapin tucked into bed with everyone giving him good night kiss’s and then went and tucked Bethany and Tyra into bed. Kashan sang each one their own bed time song like she does nightly. We gave each girl a kiss and said ” I Love you.” and they all went to sleep with a smile on their face.
I smiled as I walked down stairs to write out this blog, Feeling pretty good that tomorrow will bring more joy than today.